So it’s been a couple days and I apologize to my followers. But man these last few days have been filled with drama. I am really trying to hold my head high and stay strong especially for my kids. God is really testing my limits.
My week started out good. We had a stay home day (that’s what my daughter calls days off lol) due to extremely cold weather. So it’s been a relaxing week. Until Thursday, I go to work and everything’s normal I do what I do and go on break. Next thing I know my boss calls me telling me my baby daddy just tried to call me at work. Now if you didn’t see my last post I haven’t heard from him in over a year and a half. So it came as a shock like what the hell does he want. Pretty much he wanted me to go out of my way to pick him up so I could give him another chance.
Well thank god I didn’t and I stood my ground because he is on the run from the police and has so much drama with his ex. Like what does he expect me to do. Risk myself going to jail to help him. My kids only have me they don’t really have a father to lean on when something happens to me. So the only way I leave my kids is if I pass away. It won’t be because I helped out my sperm donor and ended up in jail.
I have so much going on right now that I can’t deal with all this drama going on. So I’m keeping my head up high and letting god take over. As much I cared for this guy in the past I don’t anymore. I’m in a happy place in my life and so much happier without him. Being with him was so toxic, it literally drained everything out of me. I’ll always have that soft spot for him because he is my kids father. But there comes a point when you have had enough. And I think 6 years of being in that toxic relationship was enough.
I’ve moved on maybe not with someone else but I’ve moved on from him. He doesn’t make me happy and I like my happy self not my depressed self.
When I was younger I always knew I had some sort of anxiety. I always chewed on something whether it was my nails, shirt or hair. (Yes I chewed my hair 😐) But it didn’t get bad until later down the road.
When I was pregnant with my first, my pregnancy was fine I had no problems what so ever. But I also didn’t have to deal with sperm donor. My second pregnancy was awful. I was about half way through my pregnancy when he left. That’s when I started struggling with depression. When he left we were always fighting about something. And every single fight he would tell me “Go die.” He never physically abused me but he was emotionally abusive. The first time he said that is when I started feeling low. Then he would start calling me names and telling me how fat I am. That’s when it really got worse.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was driving to my moms house when all the sudden I had this urge of driving off the road and crashing my car. It scared the living hell out of me. That I had to pull over and stop. And that wasn’t the last time I had those thoughts. I went days of crying cause I was so scared of what I would do. So finally I went to the hospital and they diagnosed me with depression. They gave me medicine and put me in outpatient therapy.
After I had my son and he came back into the picture things were good at first. But the days leading up to him leaving my depression started getting worse. This time I was actually self harming. So they upped my dose. A couple months after he left I was getting better, so I thought. I quit taking my medicine and quit going to therapy. Biggest mistake I ever made.
My anxiety went through the roof. I couldn’t sleep because I would have panic attacks that I wouldn’t woke up. It was getting so bad that I would call into work and just stay in bed. So I ended up going back to my psychiatrist. I got back on my depression meds and they put me on anxiety meds. The day I got put on my meds I slept so much better.
My struggles with depression and anxiety was the hardest year of my life. I had so much emotions going through my head I had no idea what to do. But once I finally got help and actually stuck with getting help I feel so much better. But I will never cold turkey quit my meds again.
That’s my depression and anxiety story. Hope you enjoy it and it helps you out if you struggle with it. If you do struggle with it please get help. You will feel so much better about yourself and never forget you always have people who are around that love you. I’m so thankful I had my mom to help me through. Thank you so much for reading and until next time! 😊
So I know I promised a story about my depression and anxiety. But I needed to tell my story before I ended up with it. So here is my story. (I guess I have to tell it sooner than later).
Where to start, I first met my sperm donor back in 2010. I had just broken up with my ex of 2 years and I met him online. We would go on dates and hang out but we were never official. To me then he was just someone to get my mind of my ex, a rebound I guess you could say. Well a few months went by and I barely talked to him. So I though ok I’ll never see him again. Well that was not the case.
Over the next few years we would hook up and talk on and off. Until about 2012 I finally got my own place with my sister. I had no one to tie me down and we would party almost every weekend. So of course I would get drunk and call him. A few months later I found out I was pregnant. I had also found out he had a girlfriend who he apparently broke up with. I didn’t want to tell him I was pregnant. I held it off for so long. Until I was about 7 or so months along I finally told him. That’s when I found out he moved to New York.
Jumping to March 27th, 2013, I had my beautiful babygirl. And I swear to you she looked like he had given birth to her. There was no denying my princess. So of course I debated a couple days on telling him again. But I ended up sending him a picture. And at the time he seemed so excited. Yeah that was a major fail. He didn’t come back until my daughter was 3 or 4 months. And even then he was barely around. So until about the age of 3 he was pretty much in and out of our lives. He even got another girl pregnant.
So jumping again to when kyleigh was 3, that’s when we pretty much started to make it official. We lived together and things started to look up I thought we would be a happy family for once. Yet again I was wrong. I found out I was pregnant again and things just want down hill. We started arguing a lot so finally he left. (He likes to run when things get tough) Once he left is when my depression kicked in and we didn’t hear from him for awhile.
So March 28th 2017, I had my handsome son. And can you guess who came back around. Yep the sperm donor did. My stupid self let him back in thinking oh well he’s changed let’s give it another go. Things were going good. He had a job and was helping me with the baby and bills. We would go out on dates. Things he never did before. So of course in my head I’m like omg is this it are we finally going to be a family.
After my 6 weeks I went back to work. He would drop me off at work and then he would go to work. I met the new girl at work and we instantly hit it off. We would hang out whether it was a bar or at my house. The first time she came to my house the sperm donor started acting different. He just wasn’t in it anymore. He would always make excuses to leave and do something. Until June of 2017 he left without a trace and later finding out he was with the girl I use to work with. I was devastated. Though by this time I wasn’t hurt as much by him, it was the fact that I trusted this girl and become so close with for her to just take him.
To this day as I’m writing this it’s been a little over a year and a half and I only heard from him once. Before as a single mom I just was so scared how am I going to do this. And then after my second and he left I was even more scared. I barely could make it with one. How am I going to do it with two. But now I can proudly say it has definitely gotten easier. And that we don’t need him. Eventually I will find that guy that will love me unconditionally but right now it’s me and my kids living life to the fullest.
Thank you so much for reading my stories and I hope to keep seeing you guys. 😘
Growing up my mom would cook dinner every night. She would come home from work and immediately start on dinner. As we all got older and started moving out Sundays started being the day that us kids came over to visit. That’s when Sunday’s became family dinner. We all grew up and started having hectic lives but Sunday’s were reserved.
I can only speak for myself when I say Sunday’s are normally my lazy days. Me and the kids wake up, we normally eat some donuts, I’ll do a couple loads of laundry, put little man down for a nap and then we head over to my moms. Now not all my Sunday’s are like that. Trying to get two kids ready and out the door can get a little rough. So somethings (most of the time laundry) gets pushed back. I mean let’s face it who likes laundry. 🙃 Me personally the folding part is not my favorite.
But anyways back on topic. My mom, I would have to say is the best cooker. She always makes some of the best meals. I love food but my favorite part about Sunday’s is being with the family. I have two nieces and two nephews and it’s great to be able to spend time with them if I can’t through out the week.
Sunday dinners is the one thing I look forward to every week. Ever since I got pregnant with my son I got depression and then postpartum depression. So I never wanted to leave the house and when I did I had to push myself out the door. But sunday dinners was the one thing I wanted to get out of the house for. So yeah you can say Sunday’s are my favorite day of the week.
So my next post I will talk more about my depression and my anxiety that came later down the road. Hope you all have a wonderful day and thanks for reading. 😊
Well what can I say first, I am a single mom who chose the wrong guy to make a family with. Though I regret ever meeting him, I’m thankful for him for giving me my beautiful children. My kids father (you may see that I call him sperm donor a lot) and I have a lot of history together, more bad than good though. But that’s another story for another day.
Before I had kids I use to always say I would be the best mother and everything would be perfect. But let’s be honest, who is actually a perfect mother. I swear though I wasn’t going to just let my kids just sit in front of the tv, I would dress them in nice clothes everyday, my house would be spotless and I wouldn’t let myself go. Now I would be lucky if I can get a moment to myself to even take a shower. And for my kids if it keeps them quiet while I’m throwing something in the oven, then PJ Mask it is. I wouldn’t change any of it though. Being a mother and watching my kids growing beat any of the bad moments.
So if you haven’t read my bio, my name is Ashley and I’m 28. I’m a single mother to my two beautiful kids. I work full-time and go to school full-time. So life can be a little hectic at times. My daughter, Kyleigh, is my outgoing child. She loves to dance, sing and she absolutely loves to draw. She’s my artist. My son, Kaisyn, is my wild child. You will probably hear a bunch of stories about him. He definitely keeps me on my toes. He is your typical boy who likes to run naked and scream on the top of his lungs.
So yeah that’s my life. Of course if you keep on reading my blogs you will see more into my single motherhood. I created this blog to hopefully help other mothers out and find some common interests. Whether a single mom or stay at home mom or a working mom, we’re all mothers and we still go through the same struggles of raising our children.